Liar, Liar, or The Web of Deceit, Part Two

Your Brista is back!

Now where were we? Oh yes, these Adam, Grindr, Jack’d and BGC hoes and your profile lies.

Lie: I’m Ten Inches

Baby, ten inches is getting smaller and smaller every day! Somebody needs to call the ruler people and let them know, so they can fix that shit! If the date comes over expecting…

…and you answer the door like …

… then Houston, we have a problem! You need to get into the fact that you do not have ten inches. You have a good hard 7.5, maybe 8 inches, and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that. As this helpful diagram shows, measure along the top of the penis from the base of your pubes to the tip. Any other measurement is a lie!

Your dick is the star of the show! If the date came over expecting ten or more and you pop up with eight or less, there will be a problem. Let’s say you went to see a well-dressed hooker in concert, and instead they brought out a loud mumbler. Yes, you might enjoy Janet Jackson, grooving to 25 year-old dance moves courtesy of Paula Abdul, but you really had your heart set on seeing Beyoncé! Just because your date still enjoyed your eight inches and even came, he really had his heart, and hole, set on ten inches.Lie: I don’t really get fucked that often

Be honest! You and I both know that you are leaving out one key word. What you meant to say is “I don’t really get fucked like that ANYMORE”, and I get it. After a lifetime of getting gutted er’day and thrice on Memorial Day and Labor Day…

…your hole needs a break! I just suggest that while you go cool your lips in a warm bath for the next six weeks that you stay offline.

Besides, whom do you think you are fooling? Most of these apps are location-based. You can try that Paulina Pure Pussy shit on vacation or when you visit your grandmother, but around your ‘hood,

your nickname is Pussy Galore!

And now comes the time in our program for just a touch of…

While some of you hoes aren’t lying, you still have some serious issues.

Issue: No fats/ No fems/ No Oldheads/ No Asians

Dude!!! Who the fuck do you think you are? You certainly have a long list of things you don’t want. Well, let your Brista get you together. You are not as cute as you think you are, your dick ain’t that big, your asshole is like a tunnel, and your breath stinks. How does that make you feel? Well try being fat, or feminine, or older, or an Asian man. I get it, it’s all about sex and we all have our preferences, but we still have to be civil to one another and remember, even if you don’t fall into any of the other categories, your ass will be old one day.

Issue: I’m independent and looking for the same

Umm, no you aren’t. It goes without saying for truly independent people, so they don’t need to say it in their profiles. Just because you finally moved out of your mama’s house doesn’t make you independent. If you can’t pay your rent/mortgage, electric, water, gas, car note, and all your other bills on time every month, you ain’t independent. And if any part of your income or expenses are covered by the federal, state, or local government, you are not independent.

Issue: Looking for Mr. Right

You poor, poor thing! You post all your goodies online…

…and then wonder why all you get is hookups. The entire conversation with the date is about how big dicks are and who will do what to whom.

Then you get to that brotha’s house and it’s all…

Well, at least for you, because the date is like

And now, you are stuck! You have just caught feelings for a hookup. Gurl!!!!! It’s a hookup site, not a dating service, and now you are making him regret giving you his real number by blowing his phone up all the time. Here is a hint: that brotha gets three calls MAX. If he hasn’t called you back after the third call, he ain’t interested, or at least not enough to make time to call you back. And why would he? Your desperation is not a good look!

That’s why your Brista has a Google number, to keep these hoes at bay!

Issue: Married/ Girlfriend +++

Fuckin’ around with a dude that is married or has a girlfriend is a recipe for trouble and here’s why. First of all it’s just tacky. Like we said earlier, karma is only a bitch if you are! Second, if it goes on long enough, what started out as just a hookup is gonna get complicated when one of you catches feelings, and the better the sex, the more likely someone will catch them.

If it’s you, then you are gonna start getting jealous of the time he spends with his wife and family and might end up doing crazy shit. You will get jealous of her and the time she spends with “your” man and start to justify crazy shit like stalking her at the grocery store or showing up unannounced at his job. If it’s him, he is gonna start doing shit that will make his wife suspicious, and you do not want an angry woman on your tail. You are giving her man something she can’t and she will not be happy about it. On top of it, now you got a dude who is jealous of the time you spend with any other dude, including your best friend, even though he is at home fucking his wife/girlfriend. And if it comes down to it, he will NEVER EVER EVER choose you over his wife/girlfriend and kids.

Well, I don’t know about you, but once again, I am exhausted from letting you kids have it. I know some of you are all in your feelings about what I said.

Well, I think you know how I feel about that!

Feel free to drop me a comment.