Approachability, Lust, and Fear: Who’s Afraid of the Big Black Cock?

Last Saturday, Ya Brista took the fanciest of conveyances to NYC along with 41 of his closest newfound friends to watch his ONYX brother compete in the Mr. Eagle NYC 2014 contest. And wouldn’t you know it, that hussy won!

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Congratulations to Pharaoh ONYX, Mr. Eagle NYC 2014!

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Pharaoh and I are part of ONYX, the cuntiest House of them all a Leather Fraternity for Gay and Bisexual Men of Color. It would appear that some people have a problem with that. During the contest, it was mentioned that Pharaoh was a part of ONYX, and I heard someone say to his friend, “Those guys from ONYX are so unapproachable!” The friend co-signed, asking why they (meaning ONYX) needed to be so “separatist”. This foolishness went on for a moment and included words like “prejudiced” and “racist”, until I went on stage and posed for this pic with my Brothers, including the newly-crowned Mr. Eagle NYC.ceejay05

As I resumed my place in the audience, I made a point of looking at both of them. Suddenly, they had nothing to say and couldn’t even meet my gaze. I didn’t say anything because I was a guest in my Brothers’ house and I didn’t want to make a scene, but a bitch is home now, so let’s get into it…

I am not Obliged to be Approachable

The Men of ONYX, like most Black men, are not unapproachable. The subtext of such a comment implies that we should live our lives and are obliged to conduct ourselves in such a way as to set others at ease. It is a subtler and more pervasive form of Respectability Politics that suggests that a young Black boy was obliged to prove he was not a threat as he was on his way home with a bag of Skittles. I, like most Black men, reject that. I am very approachable; in fact, I’m a ray of fucking sunshine! What we are not, however, is always willing to be the object of your Mandingo fantasy. What I am not, is willing to put up with constant stream of unwanted sexual advances, the unwelcome and unsolicited touches, and the simplification of all the magic and beauty that is Dominion ONYX to a Big Black Cock.bbc

I cannot tell you how many times I have been in the leather bar, or in the gay club, or at a Pride event, or on Grindr, or Adam4Adam and been approached by a man who sees in me nothing more than my penis and what pleasure it might provide him.

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The more aggressive ones will touch you, or lean in for a kiss, or perhaps just stand WAAAY too close as they press their advantage.

personal spaceWe all have physical preferences for everything from eye color, to height, to skin color. The problem is that far too many Black men live lives where we have been reduced to nothing more than what is between our legs, with such a reduction being made even before seeing the goods. Physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, and yes, sexually, there is much more to ANY man than meets the eye. Given those circumstances, it is no wonder that some men are constantly on their guard. So when that guy said that the Men of ONYX were unapproachable, what he REALLY meant to say was that enough of them had rejected his clumsy advances that he didn’t want to be bothered anymore.

There is Strength in Numbers

The first time I went to the Eagle in DC, it was a very packed Friday night, and one of the owners (since left) made a point of confronting my friend and me and informing us that we had to buy something or leave. A friend of mine relays a story of being told by a bartender very forcefully not to lean against the bar at another leather bar that shall remain nameless, despite the fact that there were tons of other people leaning against that very same bar. It was only when an ONYX brother who was well-known to the bartender, that he relented. My gay son expressed an interest in leather and so I encouraged him to go to the monthly meeting of a local leather club where he lived in Ohio. Three old men hemmed this 23-year-old kid up in a corner and said that they could not wait to fuck his “sweet young nigger ass”, and when he didn’t respond in the way they wanted, they started yelling at him. Needless to say he didn’t stay long. He called me up practically in tears.

And there we have the flip side of the coin. The paradox of a coin is that its two sides coexist, and so the Mandingo fantasy coexists with the Thug fantasy, with both of them being just that: FANTASY. Black Men are simultaneously objects of lust and fear, of what one desires and reviles, the forbidden fruit that one can’t have but desperately wants. Black Men must acquiesce to the desires of others, regardless of our own needs, and if we don’t we are troublemakers. Thus, we band together, supporting one another in the exploration of ourselves in a safe space free from the judgment of those who cannot or will not see us in all our complexity. ONYX exists for the same reason that the National Council of La Raza, The National Organization for Women, and ironically, the Human Rights Campaign exists.

As you may have guessed by now, the two guys in question were White, and if I see them again I will tell them that I, and we as Black Men and Men of ONYX, are under no obligation to be approachable. Try treating us like regular human beings instead of sexual/fear objects. I would tell them that when it comes right down to it, I don’t owe them any explanation of the choices I make in my life and who I choose to affiliate with, as long as it doesn’t hurt you.

Thank you, and good night!

If something I said touched your spirit, feel free to drop me a comment here, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr.. You can also catch me every Thursday @ 8pm eastern, co-hosting the Reali-TEA Radio Show on PapiChuloRADIO.com.realitea

 

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