50 Shades of Gay: A Guide to the Lobby at Black Gay Pride

Against the advice of your Gay Mama…

…who warned you about going to one of these events, you decided to go anyway. Luckily, Ya Brista is here to guide you through your virgin experience, so strap up and let’s get ready to ride.

Ignoring past due notices from the electric company and having paid down your credit card bill just enough, you and your two best friends embark on what is to be the trip of a lifetime!

You get to the host hotel and immediately get gagged when your debit card gets rejected. Incensed, you demand that the clerk run it again, and a third time. Finally, after a quick call to Bank of America to move some money around, the card goes through. You’ll deal with that bounced rent check later. You quickly head to your room and unpack.

Four hours later, you head back down to the lobby. Take my hand as Ya Brista guides you through the wonderful world of Black Gay Pride. Consider yourself warned that the vast majority of this world will have more than a touch of…

#getintoit

As the doors open, you run into The Fashionista!

She lives to slay the kidz on the runway, and by runway I mean IHOP at 3am. She spends the weekend pumping look after look, strutting the catwalks from McDonalds to CVS,

shading the hell out of any bitch who DARES to cum fuh huh!

To hear her talk, you would think she was a world-renowned fashion designer, or had at least made it past the Menswear challenge on Project Runway, but no. This bitch is a part-time first year at the Art Institute and a cashier at TJMaxx. Even so, I suggest avoiding her at all costs, because you will never win fashion-wise. Besides, she’s a craft queen; she has warrants waiting for her ass when she gets home. You don’t wanna get caught up in that foolishness.

Walking through the lobby is MANY THINGS! In one corner are two dudes exchanging numbers. Later they will discover that they are both bottoms.

In another corner is Mr. Lonely, who will be cockblocking later. Right now, he has a perfect stranger hemmed up in the corner telling his sob story. If he has kept his mouth shut, he might have gotten some dick or ass, but desperation is not a good look.

Hovering near Mr. Lonely is The Freeballer, who always walks around with no underwear.

He knows that one of the quickest way to get some head and/or tail is to find the loneliest person in the room and make them feel special. He is a predator, so avoid him at all costs. Unless you are trying to get gutted real quick, then by all means…

#getchalyfe

Standing near the piano, or wherever the light is best, are The Beautiful Ones.

They are on a low-carb or vegetarian diet, or they only eat a single piece of boneless, skinless chicken, preferring to subsist mainly on the hopes and dreams of the less attractive. These dudes just came from the gym, and will be at the gym first thing in the morning, and probably later that afternoon. And just what are they doing with all that time in the gym? Working out, of course!All followed by a nice, relaxing turn in the sauna!

Before you get too excited about The Beautiful Ones, you notice someone in their midst.

Let’s just call him Uniqua, because he is uniquely beautiful in da eyes of Gawd. Before you dismiss Uniqua, please know that he has learned the secret of Black Gay Pride, or any Pride, for that matter. Come real close, and have a pen and paper ready. All set?

Uniqua know two things. The first is that, due to their low body fat (from all the workouts, of course), The Beautiful Ones can’t hold their liquor, so she is only 2 long island iced teas away from

Uniqua also knows the power of leftovers. After The Normals, such as yourself, tire of chasing after The Beautiful Ones to no avail all weekend, you will be both tired and SUPER HORNY, and that’s when he will swoop in. With your defenses down, and your dick up, Uniqua will take advantage of you in your defenseless state. As you do the Walk of Shame back to your hotel room on Monday, at least you can say you got a nut. In front of you, doing the Walk of No Fucks to Give is Paulina Pure Pussy. You noticed him earlier in the lobby, looking all cute and demure.

What you didn’t know then was that once the sun goes down, Paulina Pure Pussy becomes Pussy Galore, able to swallow dicks in a single gulp…

…and take who knows how many loads.

Having starred in a number of diect-to-XTube videos over the weekend, Paulina returns home happy and satisfied, betrayed only by the trail of semen trickling from her abused asshole.

So, after a weekend of cocktailing and whoring, you are ready to get back on the plane home. Just past the TSA checkpoint, you notice the cutie you have been looking for all weekend. Very subtly, you let him know you are interested.

But oh no, you are already late for your flight and you have ten minutes to get on the plane! What are you going to do? Find out next week when we talk about Leather Pride events. Spoiler alert: it’s the same hussies doing the same shit! In the meantime, feel free to drop me a comment here, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. You can also catch me every Thursday @ 8pm eastern, co-hosting the Reali-TEA Radio Show on PapiChuloRADIO.com.