(Don’t) Do It for the Vine

For those of you who didn’t know, Vine isn’t just a world full of cute animals and little kids.

It’s also a world for of nasty, six-second porn videos, and even though Twitter (Vine’s parent company) recently announced it was banning pornographic clips, that genie is out of the bottle, and it won’t be long before another service takes over the six-second porn game. With that in mind, it’s time for another in an ongoing series of open letters to the worst offenders in the world of porn, but first…

Dear Twitter,

Really gurl? So porn videos are not a good fit for your community? When did you come to this revelation? I’m betting it was after you couldn’t figure out a way to monetize Vine the way you did with Twitter. Even worse, you won’t have a team in place to seek out and delete the videos; instead, you will rely on users to report videos. Now where have we seen a system like that before?ponderOh yes, Facebook, where Dramatic Kweens, pissed-off exes, and your everyday run-of-the-mill assholes can report any material they like, just because. Great idea!dismissedAnyhoo…

Dear Vine Users:

Like Kelly Price, I’m tired, so I am going to keep it short and sweet. Everything I said about X-Tube videos still applies. In addition…

Please stop posting clips of porn videos!

What is the purpose of posting a clip of something I can see the full version on X-Tube or MyVidster? I mean really!? When I log onto Vine, I was see your lips stretched!lipstretchI wanna see you getting plunged!double plungeAnd you know I am down for something extra,extra01extra02Above all, I wanna see original content! Ya feel me?

Stop being so damn thirsty!

This point is not for those who post videos, but for those who comment. On Vine, giving the objects of your affection lust desperation attention your KIK is the 2014 equivalent of putting your number on the bathroom wall. I suppose it’s fine, if a bit desperate, to give out what is essentially a form of your telephone number in such a public forum, but when it really gets tacky is when you post your KIK on every post. thirstyIt’s also not cute to use the comments section of someone else’s post to work out your aggression toward some trick that didn’t show up last night, or who wasn’t as sexy as you thought or he advertised. As usual, I am only online for thevinefellowship02vinefellowship01vinefellowship03Fellowship and your foolishness is a distraction, so get it together.

Please stop posting the same video over and over again!

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samedick02
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It’s all about variety!

“But Dominion”, you say, “I am not posting the same video!” BULLSHIT!!! Your dick looks the same yesterday as it did today, as it will tomorrow. The same goes for your asshole. Now while Ya Brista loves a nice winking brown eye, browneyeI log onto Vine SPECIFICALLY to see new and different dicks and asses in different combinations, which means I’m also tired of you and your boy fucking on that same bed with the empty pizza box in the corner. If you can’t come up with new shit, why bother? This brings me to the last point.

Only post the good shit!

Really, this is a lesson that applies to everyone on every amateur platform and in every porn production company around the world, but we will stick to Vine for the moment. Kiddz, this isn’t a contest. No one is forcing you to post a video every day. If the lighting isn’t good, don’t post it. Vine is a visual medium. What the fuck good is it posting a video where you can’t see shit? toodarkThe same goes for audio. Who wants to watch you fuck while listening to the local news or Law and Order in the background. It’s bad enough when it’s a 5-minute video, but even worse when the video is only six seconds long.
Always remember, just because someone tells you to “Do it for the vine”, it’s ok to say, “I ain’t gonna do it”!

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