For colored GRRLS who continue to pull stunts when (alleged) insurance fraud should be enuf

A reading from the Book of…shadebldgYa Brista has a live and let live policy when it comes to religion. While I do not believe in it, I am unbothered by whatever it is you believe as long as it does not affect my ability to live my life, even when I think that what you believe is absolutely ridiculous. My typical reaction is nothing more than an epic…sideeye-aragornBut every now and again, you see and some BULLSHIT that is just soooo BULLSHITTY that you are just like…5gs

Such was the case with The Confession Heard around the World.

Last weekend, during the 107thcogickweensconvention for flamboyantly-dressed homosexuals Church of Gays in Crisis (COGIC) Church of God in Christ (COGIC) Convocation in St. Louis, gigantic bowtie aficionado, New York Times Bestselling Author (STUNT KWEEN), online medical school student (STUNT KWEEN), recently engaged (to a “women”) (STUNT KWEEN), Chief Executive Officer (STUNT KWEEN), alleged perpetrator of fraudulent insurance, and STUNT KWEEN said the following:

For those of you who don’t speak Stunts & Shows (the official language of Dramatic Kweens everywhere), a transcript is provided below…

“I’m not gay no more. I AM DELIVERT. I don’t like MENS no more. I said I like WOMEN. WOMEN! WOMEN! WOMEN! Wi…ddddd. I said WOMEN! I’M NOT GAY! I would not date a man! I would not carry a purse! I would not put on makeup! I wi… I WILL. LOVE. A WOMEN.”nowordsLawd, what is we gon’ do?

This supposed confession came at the tail end of a session in which COGIC Superintendent (side-eye) Earl Carter railed against “all these homosexuals walkin’ ‘round here with your pocketbooks and tight pants and gold ties and you’re walking like a girl. You need DELIVERANCE… Walking ‘round here looking like a sissy!… You are PERVERTED and you are LOST”.ruckus niggardryI am sure it is merely a coincidence that later that afternoon, Andrew Chad Caldwell, a young homosexual in tight pants and a gold (bow)tie, declared he was DELIVERT!!! And I am sure that the fact that he was given $100 for his troubles (check the video) is mere happenstance.sissybgone

Now before we get into everything that is wrong with this scenario and what followed, you should be reminded gentle readers, that everything that follows is absolutely 100%shadeSo let’s start with Sister Caldwell’s ensemble. Let’s just say it was MANY THINGS. The patterned jacket, the purple shirt, and the world’s biggest bowtie with matching pocket square. Exactly where in creation does one even buy a bowtie that big that doesn’t come with a squeaky nose and red wig? Our Brista Andre Leon Talley summed it up best…too much fashionThere was the words of the speech itself. Sista Caldwell sounded like that special needs kid that they always let say his Easter speech at the end of service right after everyone sings “Yes Jesus Loves Me”DeliverTThis kid was yelling like he was trying to convince himself of something, and with all those wrong parts of speech, one hopes this New York Times Bestselling Author doesn’t write like he speaks (he almost certainly does)!tumblr_mu7y4sQrKK1rfduvxo1_500Bless her tacky illiterate little stunt kween heart!

We also cannot dash over the fact that no one joined him in doing the Cupid Shuffle the praise dance until they were basically embarrassed into doing so by the man in the Steve Harvey suit. Nor can we dash over the fact that this alleged conversion/deliverance concluded with an exchange of money. NOR can we dash over the fact that COGIC has pretty much distanced itself from the whole situation:

A video, which is now viral, of a young man stating his deliverance from a particular lifestyle does not, in any capacity, speak to all of the remarkable things that transpired during this great church convention.

Sounds like they can see a STUNT just as clearly as you and I can. But how did I come to this conclusion? Let’s examine the evidence:

  1. He was arrested in May for fraudulent insurance. My sources (Pookie and RayRay) say he filed a false insurance claim in an accident, i.e., he pulled a STUNT.
  2. He claims to be a New York Times Bestselling Author, yet a cursory review of his books on Amazon shows that the most popular of his books has only a 2-star rating and The New Times has never heard of him. Cut to Oprah’s face when she found out that author lied to her…oprahliedSounds like a STUNT to me!
  1. He claimed in his interview with Thaddeus Matthews that he was going to medical school online. Ya Brista was unaware that one could do such a thing. I wish I WOULD go to see my doctor, look on the wall and see a medical degree from Strayer University, and I say that as a person with a Bachelor’s Degree from Strayer! It’s one thing to get a degree in business administration online. It’s another ball of wax entirely to get a medical degree online. Once again, this is what we call in the business a STUNT!
  2. He now claims that he was DELIVERT!!! a year ago. So what the hell did he get up on that stage and pull that STUNT for?
  3. In other interviews, he claimed to be unaware that there was a camera when at the end of the original clip, after being paid for his testimony, the man in the Steve Harvey suit tells him to run and tell the camera that he was delivered. LIES! STUNTS! SHOWS!

So what do we have? A young brotha who filed a false insurance claim, who lies about being a bestselling author and going to medical school, who shows up looking like Bozo the Clown’s gay nephew claiming to be DELIVERT!!! from something he was supposedly DELIVERT!!! from a year ago, and for which he was paid, in a scene from which the church has distanced itself, or what I like to call a…stuntkweenNow he claims that he LOVES women:

“I’m starting to get on hard for women. When I look at another brother, I look at them as another brother in Christ, or a big brother. I like the pretty hair; I like the lips; I like the butt; the thighs…I didn’t see that in a man.”nini horrifyingWay to keep it klassy, grrl!

Even so, I can find a little bit of sympathy in my cold black heart for this brotha, because he has just stepped inside and firmly shut the door of the world’s most transparent closet. Be doing so, he is setting himself up to be victimized, because we all know that these events, hell, any event where more than 20 black men gather in the same place is a hotbed of…tumblr_n9nmizAgJf1qlhyp6o1_1280tumblr_n14awsTlIb1s5couuo1_250tumblr_nczltlj2Sn1sya15ro1_400Everyone knows that many of the same people who rail from the pulpit about the evils of homosexuality will spend the evenings doing the gayest of things, after they put their wives to bed, of course! They will look you in your face, tell you that you are evil, a sinner, that you are going to hell, and then rub their dick on you during the praise dance. They will cruise you in the convention center bathroom. They will knock on your hotel room door at night. Or they will just post an anonymous sex party ad on Jack’d.

These charismatic men, these Servants, these Superintendents are not gods, they are men. More importantly, these men are liars, they are predators, morally and emotionally bankrupt, so they will not hesitate to take advantage of the corner into which this young man has painted himself for their own purposes. When he is inevitably feeling the weakness of his flesh and goes to seek the council of a man he respects, that man will hem him up in a corner and take what he wants and threaten to tell the world that he has backslid into his wicked ways, because that is what predators do.

Or he will get caught cruising on Jack’d or getting his back blown out at a sex party.

 

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